I was trans when trans wasn't cool...

Home | MY BLOG | Photo Album | Photo Album | About Me | Favorite Links | Contact Me | Transsexual | Great Books | Pagan


As I Stated I am a Female To Male transsexual. I live as a male and , for all intents and purposes I am a man. I just have a female body. I do not appear female, no one ever mistakes me for one on an every day basis. Fully clothed I am a man to everyone around me. So why do I out myself? Because it is the right thing to do. I do not wish to deceive any one. Though presenting myself as a male is fully natural to me and not in any way deceitful , I can understand how many people would believe that I am being a liar. So I like to be honest with people I am going to have recurring interactions with.

On the other hand I want to educate people about Transsexuals. Both FTMs and MTFs (male to females) have a difficult life. It is very stressful to not be what you know you are meant to be. It is lonely and depressing many times. We are neglected by the mental health community and by the general health care community. Very few physicians will treat us and any treatment for this illness must come out of our own pockets. Health insurance does not consider this disorder anything but cosmetic surgery. Gender Identity Disorder is painful to those who have to live every day in this limbo between the genders. Slowly but surely we are showing the world that this is a serious and legitimate disorder which deserves treatment just as much as any other illness. None of us asked for this, we did not choose it and we cannot just will it away.

I always knew I was a boy. I would imagine myself growing up to be a man. I fought hard against being dressed up in dresses and frills. I was a tom boy. When I began growing breasts I was devastated. I withdrew more into my fantasy life and avoided my peers. I was a very lonely child and became an extremely lonely adolescent. I was the weirdo, the outsider. I did not fit in. I cringed evertime someone called me "she".... I swirled into depression.

When the Mental Heath System got its claws into me I was told that they would not deal with my gender Identity Disorder until I dealt with my other issues ( which were mostly because of my GID) I was stuck.....but that is another story..

I eventually sought help on my own. I was already living as a male and I wanted to start on Testosterone. I began treatment with my current therapist and started on T shortly there after ( about three years ago). The T helped me grow facial and body hair and lowered my voice. It also increased my libido and elevated my mood...hey it helped my depression even more that I counted on!!!

Now I live and look like a long as I don't take my clothes off. I wish I could afford SRS but debt form my mental hospital years still prevents me from achieving that right now....maybe someday. At least I am a lot more comfortable with myself than I ever was. Living like this is not totally devastating anymore. Not now that I have the right support, and now that I can "pass" without question on a daily basis.

Hey if you are able I could use the help to get out of debt....see my "contact me" page.....

Contact me

  One issue that is prominant in a transsexuals mind, especially when they are first transitioning, is "passing": actually living and being seen everyday as a member of the preferred gender.
    Before I started testosterone I had been living predominantly as a male for quite a few years but it was not easy: I did not pass very well. I had no facial hair, I had large breasts ( to me they seemed humongous), my voice was feminine and I just looked weird. I was called a he/she..."Pat"..freak..fag.. you name it..when I statred working at the College I am working at now the students were unmerciful..not a night would go by that I didn't receive a coment of that sort..The constant barage of insults did not help my depression. I dressed as a male and acted as a male but I just did not pass well. I bound my chest, which is uncomfortable and sometimes painful and tried to dress as masculine as possible.
  Then came testosterone, T , we call it for short. I began taking my shots and the first thing I noticed was I was more confidant. It took a couple of years but now I don't get called mam any more and no one who doesn't know about me ever questions my gender. It is a relief not to have to hear that anymore.. Ironically I am more out about being transgendered than I ever have been. I actually tell people who , otherwise would not know.. I am more confidant and secure in who I am.. that is a great thing.. It isn't all from the T but it sure gave me the leg up I needed.
Many people have asked me just what the T has done to me other than the obvious facial hair. Well it has done a lot. My voice has deepened a little and my breasts have withered somewhat (they are still humonguos). My clitoris has grown a good bit and is more sensitive. My libido has gone off the charts and I have grown hair on my belly and chest. I no longer have to deal with menstruation either.
As far as the specifics I take 150 mg of Testosterone enanthate every three weeks in the form of an injection which i have learned to give myself.
Any questions? Just go to the contact me page and I'll answer If I can.


What I look like now


New hair cut and beard

Sexuality and Transsexuality
 One issue I and many other transsexuals encounter is the fact that most people confuse gender identity with sexual orientation.  The two, are linked but they are not the same thing.
    Gender identity is one's sense of being male or female. or even somewhere in between. It has much to do with one's self is not directly related to who one is attracted to sexually: that is you sexual orientation.
    If we establish that a person who is sexually attracted to someone of the opposite gender is heterosexual and someone who is attracted to someone of the same gender is homosexual then a FTM transexual who prefers the company of women is heterosexual and one who desires men is homosexual.. yeah it sound confusing but it really is not..once you are able to see the transgendered in their proper gender then the labels fit "normally"... I, of course, hate labels anyway but they do help us to understand when we are not to rigid with them..and to make things more confusing , in case you were curious, I am bisexual: why limit yourself !!

At work pedaling around

For other Transpeople

Personally I have found that the internet is a great resource for FTMs. We are not as numerous or known as MTFs..we tend to blend in more..many go stealth and are never known to those around them. Those are decisions for each individual to make according to the circumstances of his life. I am not stealth..yeah i walk down the street and no one calls me miss. I identify and am seen as a male but definitely am out... The internet has made it so much easier to connect with other FTMs sharing and supporting each other...I am now in contact with three other FTMs in the area and would love to meet more FTMs and please give me a holler. As far as FTMs go we have started getting together every now and then so maybe you may want to join us...again..give me a shout..

I blend in at work but everyone knows...

For those questioning or curious..

I am here...give me a honest question is offensive so long as the intent is feel free to contact me